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21 Feb 2010 
isipin mo n lang.
ang hirap tumingin sa facebook or sa twitter, nandun kasi bestfriend ko, and we got into a fight and yun. i am really affected and di ko lam kung paano magreact sa mga sinasabi nya. aminado naman ako sa mga binibitawan nyang words, wala naman akong magawa. yup, demanding, posessive, ganun talaga ako, alam ko nabawasan ko na yun, pero bumabalik yung quality na yun, maaaring just this time, kasi i am craving for the conversation that we had noon pa lalo na na nawala ako sa philippines for quite sometime. hai. di ko lam, ayaw ko lang talaga ng ayaw kaya ako, accpet na lang kung ano man ang accusation sa akin, lalo na this is someone special to me and di ko kayang mawala sa circle ng friends ko. i am proud na bestfriend ko yun. --- kahit na imature ang tingin nya sa akin ngayon.

with the situation, ang dami kong ideas na pumapasok sa utak ko and ito yun. 
1. uu, galing ako sa ibang bansa and i am craving for the conversations natin, alam ko na busy ka, and sana kahit sa free time we could talk,  ako na gagawa ng paraan to renew this. ayaw kong masira and ang conversations natin dati ay mawala.
2. tampo... uu tampo ako kasi meron tayong napagusapan, sana tuparin natin tulad ng pagtupad ko sa mga pangako ko. i am keeping it.
3. sana napagsabihan mo ako sa gusto mong mangyari, kilala mo naman ako and you know my weakness, sana sinabihn mo ako kung ano ang gagawin mo so i can adjust to the situation.
4. we are in a commitment... parang wala na lang ako.

hai. feeling ko pag-iniisip ko sya, eh ok naman, pero pagkausap ko na or sa ganitong paraan, nababangko ang utak ko. hai. i am keeping the friendship, hope you are. ayaw ko ng balikan ang nakaraan. i am looking forward for a more closer friendship. sana its all about thesis kaya nagkakaganito tayo. iintindihin kita, as a bestfriend, i must and support you all the way, i cant just hide on what i am feeling. sana maintindihan mo rin. 


mechanic · 46 views · 6 comments
09 Jan 2010 
root
napagisip isip ko the past days kung bakt ako nagkakaganito. well, yung iba nasabi ko na sa previous blog ko, pero ang main siguro ay ang selos. 

selos, uu, seloso ako, possessive ako sa mga friends ko, na parang gusto ko sa akin lang kayo naka focus, ika nga eh, ksp. ganun talaga ako sobra dati, as in super possessive plus demanding pa ako, hehe. (kaya nagkaproblem ako with other friends) pero as time goes, medyo nabawasan na rin yun, at ang ngayon ay ang natitirang ganun character ko, its really hard to take that out of your personality, kasama mo yun yung pinanganak ako. 

That thing is the thing that i am looking for, the root of all. with that realization, ayaw ko naman na humantong muli sa wala ang pagsasama bilang magkaibigan, bagkus, magkakaroon na lang ng mind set. sana magawa ko siya and i hope that helps. i really want to keep this friendship balanced and harmonious (siyempre, minsan meron din bumps, you cant get away with them, they will even bring you guys closer!) hai. kaya yan! 

hope this helps. XD 

mechanic · 44 views · 2 comments
07 Jan 2010 
end without a doubt
Hai. naiiyak na ako sobra, its super adjustment talaga, ang hirap, i really miss kambal and parang iba na ang turing nya sa akin the past days na di ko malaman kung bakit. i feel na failure ULET ako sa ganitong aspect ng buhay ko. sa friendship and kung ano pa naman. the nth time! ang hirap talaga. akala ko ok na ako, mature na ako in this part, di pa pala, and talagang mahirap to be mature on this, madrama ako eh. alam natin yun. alam ko alam mo rin yun. this is really is my weakness. wala na akong malabasan ng ideas ko and emotions ko with this issue kasi, ayaw kong may ibang makaalam, and we like it to confine it within our boundaries. ang hirap pala kambal, sobrang hirap, na even may review time ako, di ako makapagconcentrate even i am trying to eh, lumilipad ang isip ko dahil dun, wala akong peace of mind and security. sana di mo lang hinahayaan na yung mga messages ko eh, nandyan na lang, wag ng basahin, kasi yung isa, nagaantay ng reply from the other one. i really miss the old us kambal, the bond that we had, the closeness that we had. the kulitan, the all day texting. kung matatandaan mo, sabi ko sau, na takot ako, and dito ako natatakot. ive experieced this in terms of friendship, and i know this will hurt as well. 

kung may pagkakamali man ako, pakisabi naman sa akin kambal. what did i do wrong? or what happened para maintindihan ko. found a better friend? i am super excited when you update me or something, text message or sa fb or sa ym. basta feel ko cold na, cold as the weather here.

desperate moves? wala naman, suicide, napagisipan ko na yan dati, pero di ko talaga gagawin, ang gusto ko lang gawin ay something radical that this emotion will be diverted to something else, kasi it hurts talaga. big time.

the thing that i am holding na lang ay ang bestfriendship natin. and the song plays again in my head, hold on by 33miles. sana katext ko ngayon si kambal para may malabasan ako ng emotions ko. di lang dito na walang magrereply. but still. hold on, another tsunami will come again. and after that tsunami, i hope i can still see you and feel your presence even though we are far apart. the same thing that we promised to each other, we still update each other kung anong ngyayari. 

as a bestfriend, wala akong pakealam kung ano sabihin nila, and i know, you are my bestfriend. period. 

seloso din ako, nagselos ako sa mga friends mo honestly, kasi ang close nyo lagi. lagi kayong nagkikita, lagi kayong naguusap, that bring the bond stronger. i do not classify my friends kung san sila kasi, i classify them, simply as "friends" and these guys are important, bestfriends are way more important.

di kaya ng journal ang mga emotions ko. wala rin naman ako pwede na maopen up-an. intindi na lang kambal para kay kambal. be strong, kaya yan. wag mo lang siya kakalimutan. sana bumalik ang dati naming closeness, everything will be ok.

what can i say more, emo na talaga. gloomy morning. Lord, sana makapagreview ako ng maayos and take the exam na maayos. i will really go back to manila for sure. (huhu)

kailangan ko lang ilabas to. sorry

mechanic · 444 views · 12 comments
04 Jan 2010 
new year... same weight!
Good bye 2009! that is what we did as we countdown to the hands of the clock as it reached the 12:00 midnight signal. wave goodbye! and say hello to another year full of surprises. 

I am not in my natural environment, meaning, i am not in the country i am used to be, so everything is new and another experience i can put in my mind and say, "its really different". It was at a friends house, waiting, so we decided to open up and see what 2009 had been to you as a person. I shared a lot of things that happened in 2009, ups and downs, things that brought me to tears and things that gave me gladness that i was able to jump for joy and could not believe it was happening. Despite all the events, the thing that makes me sad, and until now is haunting me is dealing with friends, bestfriends, closefriends. 

This really bothers me a lot, confused, makes me sad, emotional, cannot focus. I do not understand. I had a number of closefriends back in 2009, and I dont know where there others are. Yup! change could be the reason. I can say that i am now stronger than before, i even cried on these, but now, i think not... (hope so) its a pain in a back that to see and feel that no one now is treating you important despite them, making them important for you. that hurts a lot. And yes, until now, 2010 is now on, i still have the same weight, bearing it on my back, i thought that this will be lighter, but, no. carry the weight. 

Understand, you will learn about it. you have done a part now. just continue. be more mature. i hate being left alone... 

a friend of mine posted on his facebook this status and it did hit me. 

friendship is a silent mutual agreement of trust and care that not distance, not new acquaintance nor any misunderstandings can take away -- unknown

that made me think, yup! i can agree on that. i just need to hold on, and i know everything is just the same. 

2010, new year, new you, same weight, i will always be here, just the same me... i love you.

mechanic · 4 views · 1 comment
10 Dec 2009 
mag scribble ulet tayo
Matagal tagal na rin ang huli kong input ng blog dito, mga hmm, 10 months din yun! tagal diba? 

I guess its time for me to put this blog site back to life, i have the urge to let it grow again, anyways, its a therapy for me especially that medyo stressed ako ngayon. Ideas... ito mga ideas na nasa utak ko ngayon.

Q:What made you think to stop making blogs?
A:Well, i think kasi nagkaproblem dati ako ako nyun and nawalan ako ng gana na rin, yun yata yun. hehe. and i have my journal naman eh, enjoy din naman kasi i could draw on it. hehe. its fun. i will still continue that. 

Q: What made you to continue making blogs?
A: umm, emotions siguro. nabasa ko kasi yung blogsite ng friend ko na matagal ko ng di nababasa. i remember those days. haha! another is yung feeling na madami na akong namiss sa pinas especially nasa US ako ngayon. mga friends, relatives, family, etc, etc. dami ko ng events na di napuntahan, that i should have gone to. isa pa! ang lamig dito, its about 12 degrees. malamig na, pasko na eh, pero that makes me somewhat sad, gloomy, blue. whatever! haha.

Q: Anong feeling na nasa US?
A: um, ok lang, its everybody's dream to get out of the country and yun, nagawa ko ang stayed here for about 4months na and still counting. i got the opportunity, im happy about it naman, pero nandun parin sa pinas ang puso ko. di kasi nakaset ang utak ko na magtagal dito, the first plan was to stay here till november, but of the opportunity, february na ang flight ko. well, ok lang naman. sulitin na! may goal ka naman eh, top the US board exam! haha! wala pa ako sa wisho eh, sa sunod, paghandaan natin ok?? mind set! 

Q: Anong feeling mo ngayon?
A: as usual, emo, ganun talaga eh, malamig! it adds to the feeling, but needs to heat my self up, sabi nga ng friend ko dito, mind set lang yan. siguro yun ang kailangan kong gawin, think of it, mind set lang yan! pag may sakit ka, mind set, pag ayaw mo ng ulam, sabihin mo, crispy pata, pero ampalaya pala, mind set pa rin! haha. ito na lang iisipin ko, di ka emo, masaya ka diba! mind set! haha i miss this personality of mine, tagal ko na kasing di nakapagusapan with my bestfriend eh. haha. labasan ng ideas, sama ng loob etc. haha!

yun lang siguro ngayon, pagod na utak ko. pagod na mata ko, in general, pagod. 
tomorrow is a another day! sabi nga ni wado, living one day at a time, ganun nga talaga siguro. 

disclaimer: di ko lam kung nasa sarili ako, ang alam ko, gulo ang utak ko.

mechanic · 38 views · 2 comments

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